I Stand Accused.
JUDGE: Mrs Wilkinson, you have been arrested by the HouseWork Police and you stand accused in Court today.Do you promise to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God. (or summat like that)
Please place your hand on the ‘How Clean is Your House DVD.
What do you have to say for yourself?
KAY: I’m sorry Mi’Lord.
JUDGE: Evidence shows you have been neglecting your duties. We would like some more information from you.
KAY: Yes Mi’Lord
JUDGE: Please could you tell us exactly what your children had for breakfast?
KAY: *bows head* Cheese and onion crisps and a glass of water.
*the crowd tuts*
JUDGE: And why did you not provide a wholesome vitamin packed breakfast?
KAY: I’d run out of milk so we couldn’t have cereal, I didn’t buy any yesterday. I forgot and couldn’t be be bothered to go to the shop.
JUDGE: You forgot…….*the judge stares accusingly and shuffles papers*
And what did your husband have for breakfast? Was it worthy of a man fulfilling his duty as breadwinner.
KAY: No. *sobs* I don’t know what he had, the Marmite was on the side, but there was no bread left from yesterday. I think he may have had a spoonful straight from the jar.
JUDGE: Was the spoon clean?
KAY: *shuffles feet and stares at floor* Might have been?
JUDGE: Had you washed up or set the dishwasher?
KAY: No. I fell asleep on the sofa. It was the sofa’s fault, it was too comfy.
JUDGE: So he had no cup to drink his coffee out of?
KAY: No Mi’Lord. And no milk to make it with either. *Kay collapses in the dock and is propped up by a Housework Police Officer* I thought he might like black coffee for a change?
JUDGE: Has your husband ever drunk black coffee before?
KAY: No Mi’Lord. He doesn’t like it.
JUDGE: What was the living room like this morning? Was it a sparkling clean environment and is it a safe place for children to play.
JUDGE: Answer the question please.
KAY: No. But…but….*babbles* the crisp packets were from the night before, and I couldn’t lift the hoover out of the cupboard without being buried in cardboard and paper recycling so the floor had bits of rice from yesterdays tea still on the carpet…..and my daughter only had one beading needle stuck in her toe and she said it didn’t hurt that much.
JUDGE: And….why was the cupboard under the stairs full of cardboard and paper recycling, there are regular collections are there not?
KAY: Yes Mi’lord. I forgot to put the bins out.
JUDGE: Did you attempt to clean the house and make provisions for your family?
KAY: Yes. I went to the corner shop and bought bread and milk, but I forgot to buy something for tea. I could feed them toast I suppose? Or erm…*flails around for words* Maybe weetabix with marmite? I think that’s healthy?
JUDGE: And what happened when one of your acquaintances came round to pick up your child, to take them out for the day?
JUDGE: I would like the jury to take careful note of this answer.
…………even longer pause………..
KAY: My cat pood Mi’Lord, so the house smelt like something had died in it.
JUDGE: And why is your cat not pooing outside your residence, in the fields and gardens, where cats normally poo?
KAY: Because I missed the appointment for it to be spayed so it can’t go outside yet. And I’m scared of foxes eating it. The cat that is, not the poo.
JUDGE: Mrs Wilkinson. The Court will adjourn and return momentarily to decide your case.
*The crowd mutters and makes shocked noises*
……………..Please add a 30 minute pause here………………..
JUDGE: Mrs Wilkinson, the Jury has deemed you an unfit housewife and you are sentenced with ten years at-home community service, under House Arrest. We have decided you are Guilty As Charged. From this moment on you will cook edible dinners, clean your house, wake at 3am to hold sick buckets, make appropriate breakfasts, do shopping and spay your cat. You will not continue to make an absolute arse of things.
Is that understood Mrs Wilkinson?
KAY: Yes Mi’Lord. But…..I can’t…..I have to have time to write b*llocks on the internet.
JUDGE: Mrs Wilkinson….You have been warned.
*Kay is forcibly removed from the Court by the Housework Police and chained to the kitchen sink*