Sh*t Goggles


Sh*t Goggles 

Warning, this blog contains excessive use of the word ‘sh*t.’  If you are sensitive to swearing, please substitute the * with a U (‘Shut’).  If you do that you won’t be offended, but this post won’t make much sense.  I recommend the swearing option personally.  Your choice.

This evening I sat talking to Horace and began well….ranting about myself.  My concern is that I’m not a good role model for my daughter as regards appearance.  The problem is that I’m over 35  and I suspect I’m looking a little worse for wear.  I don’t want Darlek to think that she should aspire to looking knackered all the time, wearing ripped jeans (because of wear, not because of style), old T’shirts that show off a little rubber ring of fat and jumpers with holes under the armpits.  I’d feel I’d failed her if she decided that was her style of choice.

So, I sat there on the sofa, running my fingers through my hair, fine strands left between my fingers:

Me: ‘See, it’s all thinning, my hair is sh*t’

Horace: ‘It’s not sh*t, it’s just different, it’s gone curly, you always said you wanted curly hair.’

Me: It’s not curly, it’s sh*t.  The meds have broken my hair.’

Horace: ‘Look, my hair does that too.’  *runs fingers through his hair and waves a strand or two at me*

Me: ‘But your hair’s always done that, you’ve got tons of it, you can lose some and it doesn’t matter.  Mine’s just gone sh*t.  And I’ve got a fat face.’

Horace: ‘You look fine.’

Me: ‘And my clothes are terrible too, I only have two pairs of jeans without holes in the knee, all my tops come from charity shops, I wear a coat my grandma used to wear and my socks never match.  I’m fashion illiterate.  I wear massive boots all the time and I fall over if I wear anything else.’  

I went on and on and on about how I look totally sh*t until Horace probably got very bored. After nodding and smiling and saying ‘No that’s not true’ in all the right places, he finally paused and said:

‘You know your problem?  You’ve got sh*t goggles.’

Me: ‘You mean like beer goggles, but sh*tter?’

Horace ‘Yep.’

Me: ‘I don’t want them, I want rose tinted spectacles or beer goggles instead then.  Sh*t goggles are sh*t.’

So there you have it.  I have decided that I need a new pair of specs.  Does anyone know where you can buy a decent pair of rose-tinted spectacles?  I still do think I need to make a bit more effort with my appearance and try not to look like a tramp, but I also think I need to look at things differently.  Yes it matters a little about the holes in my jeans (they make my knees cold), but it matters more than I just think positively.   I’m still going to amble around the clothes section at the local supermarket and hope for a bargain, but if I don’t find anything, I will not resign myself as being ‘sh*t’.    Nevermind if I can wear heels or not, they hurt my feet.   Who needs bunions and sh*t goggles anyway!

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10 responses to “Sh*t Goggles

  1. Bifocals, maybe. Half and half–rose tinted: look up; Sh*t: look down. Just keep looking up :>)

  2. You and me are quite alike. I have 5 pairs of jeans that I can wear (excluding the dumb ones I bought that only just cover my bum and that just sit there laughing at me). 4 of the pairs are wranglers that are at least 20 years old. The other pair is a black pair from next that probably won’t last 20 months which I bought them for work. Also bought new tops and jumpers from charity shops or primark. However whatever I wear I always look like a bag lady. I don’t need sh*t goggles though as I’m 20 years older than you and eyesight has gone to sh*t as well 🙂

  3. ‘I wear massive boots all the time and I fall over if I wear anything else.’

    I live in boots too, or trainers. My feet just don’t work right in so-called normal shoes!! Normal’s over-rated though I reckon!

    I’m not necessarily proud to be ‘fashion illiterate’ as you call it but saves me a flipping fortune on trying to keep up with trends that I know I’ll look more ridiculous in than my shabby jeans and comfy jumpers 🙂

  4. I mean, I like to look smart sometimes, but I just like practicality more. When I see people wandering around in short tops or tiny coats, or high heels, I always think ‘Brrr…they must be cold’ or ‘I bet their feet hurt’. I do love fancy shoes too, but I look at them like I look at ornaments. Just can’t wear the things. I’m amazed I didn’t fall over half way down the aisle when I got married, I wore beautiful red shoes that I look at longingly sometimes. I just cant do fancy footwear. I honestly prefer having comfy, dry feet. Boring but it means I can walk for miles when I want to. Well Maurice, Lisa and Anette, I think the consensus is that sh*t goggles are sh*t. Thanks for your comments :O) Always really appreciated. x

  5. Do you realise you can read it as shOt and it makes it readable more than shUt but I took your advise and read it as sugar.honey.iced.tea 😉

    Horace is funny, sounds a bit like my partner. Nods, says there there, then says something stupid/funny and changes the conversation.

  6. The best conversation we ever had was when I said I thought I was getting really depressed again. He said he was too, and then left the room. Oh dear! I love him, he loves me. It’s alright really, it’s just they’re not so good at communicating sometimes. He knows I thought it was funny because I took the mickey out of him for ages. I told him that if I said I had period pains he’d start with bellyache ;O)

    • My Mr used to get headaches same time as me. Kinda sweet. Shhhhh though, he won’t admit to it. 😉

      This morning, I’m in bed b*tching about having flu and not want to do the school run (cycling!) and he walks off. Comes back with a mug of coffee and a quarter of his birthday cake. Breakfast in bed, sort of!

  7. It’s the little things isn’t it :O)

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