The Black Dog
Last night I woke up at about 3am with the words ‘Have to make a change now….’ running through my head. You see I’ve been rather over-run with negativity and the Black Dog, as it is sometimes known, has been keeping me company a little too often recently. Depression does run in my family, and as I’m a sensitive soul on the sly, I’m a little prone to this. Even more so at the moment because of my stupid broken colon.
So, here’s as it stands. My Colitis is driving me crazy. I’m on 6 Asacol a day, plus 3 iron tablets (due to anaemia brought on by blood loss), 1 enema, 1 Azathioprine and two Citralopram. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I’m rattling with tablets. In fact I am a human maraca. If I jump up and down to music, you can hear them, honest!
In fact….*Kay jumps up and down enthusiastically* – ‘Name that tune!’
Yep, you got it! It’s ‘Shake, Rattle & Roll!’ (I nicked that pun from my mate Jo, sorry Jo, it was too good not to use)
The steroids fought off the inflammation for a while, but it has all returned with a vengeance and so I’m on the stronger Aazathioprine now on top of the Asacol. Although I’ve come across people who’ve been on these tablets for years and say they are great, I’m rather nervous about a drug that is labelled ‘Cytotoxic’ and that I’m warned not to handle too much. It increases the risk of skin cancer significantly from what I can tell so I’ve bought some very strong sun cream. Something I love is lying in the sun, my skin tans naturally and I barely use sun cream under normal circumstances, I think I will have to get on the case with streaky fake tan now. Bugger.
Forgive me for going on, this is therapeutic for me. If you don’t want to read this, just skip to a review about plastic toys or something. Ulcerative Colitis increases the risk of bowel cancer, Azathioprine increases the risk of skin cancer – I think I’m going to chain smoke from now on and attempt to get lung cancer too. Then I could get a full set! Bingo! The irony is that people who smoke are far less likely to get Colitis, that is statistically proven. You try your best and what happens?! *rolls eyes*
Azathioprine is a drug that works by supressing the immune system (Colitis is thought to be a disease where the immune system goes into overdrive, but they don’t really know) – so I’m going to have to have weekly blood tests to make sure my white blood cells don’t deplete too much. I’m also going to have a flu jab because I’m going to have a crappy immune system and am quite likely to pick up bugs here there and everywhere. Living with two children who double as germ factories is going to be fun, fun, fun.
I’m going to have to stop smoking because one thing I’m also prone to is chesty coughs. If I have nil immunity I can imagine that’ll be the first thing I’ll fall foul of – so plastic fags it will have to be.
Basically I’m just quietly terrified. Because the steroids temporarily fought off the inflammation, but it came back again afterwards…..as the doctor said…it implies that it is quite ‘aggressive’. Some people get Colitis and it goes into remission after a flare up, mine hasn’t really slowed down much at all, despite the armoury of tablets. I’m on the next level up when it comes to medication now, and it will take about 3 months to kick in apparently. In the meantime I have to go to the loo between 2 and 3 times a day (which maybe doesn’t sound much) but each time to be frank – look away now if you have a weak stomach – like a traffic accident. I’m losing blood like a broken tap leaks water. It’s really, really scary and it makes me really tired. Each trip to the loo takes ages and I have to sit there listening to the kids bickering or running amok in the living room downstairs and am unable to do anything apart from to yell ‘Stop throwing food!’ or other helpful suggestions at them.
I am quietly feeling a shiver of panic up and down my spine, I don’t want to end up crapping in a bag. I know that’s a last resort, I know it’s very unlikely, I know I’m over reacting, but I can’t help those kind of thoughts.
That’s why I woke up last night knowing I had to make a change. If I carry on like this, that Black Dog is going to start following me around even more. I mean, I love dogs, they’re cute and furry and I like to pat them. But I don’t like this dog, it lurks around dark corners and growls at me when I’m at my lowest. It doesn’t wag a friendly tail, it bares its teeth and snaps at my clumsy feet as I trek off to the loo. That’s why I need to chuck a stick a very, very long way away and to tell it to ‘Go fetch!’.
So in order to do this I need to remember, there are far worse things that could have happened. I have a wonderful supportive husband and kids who I love more than life itself. My parents love me even when I’m self-involved and blind to other people’s problems; my sister constantly goes out of her way to help out and we have enough to manage on. We are not in debt, Horace has a job, the sun still shines, there’s always a new day, there are daffodils in the garden and every morning I hear the birds singing in the trees outside our attic window. It’s not so bad. In fact, life is pretty amazing really.
So, it’s time to make a change. Less moaning and more positive thinking. Who in their right mind wants to spend time with a misery guts like me right now? No-one apart from very bl**dy annoying black dog. So, that’s me resolving to try harder. ‘Go Fetch!’ you horrible mutt!
Cheery posts to follow, honest.
‘Normal blogs will resume once Kay has finished having a wobbly do’
‘Thank you for your patience’