What not to do at Christmas!
DO NOT decide to make everyone damson gin for Christmas, realise damsons are too big to fit into bottles and then think ‘I’ll make it later’ but never quite find the right sized bottles / kilners/ glass thingys. End up with a freezer stuffed with 20lb of damsons with no room for anything else in (this year). I did manage sloe gin because they are slimline and plop neatly into wine bottles. The relatives were given that last year so I can’t get away with that again.
DO NOT leave Christmas shopping until the last minute and panic buy toy Meercats for husbands who have no interest whatsoever in Meercats. (last year)
DO NOT decide you’ll have a sort out and run a car boot for extra cash for xmas – screw up the dates and flood the house with overflowing bags of ‘stuff’ that have no home and no means of getting to a charity shop. Ensure you do not allow the bags to be raided and knocked over by children and the cat – been there, done that!
DO NOT get behind with the housework and think Father Christmas won’t come because you’ve ‘been a crap housewife and have a floordrobe in the bedroom for all the clothes.’ So that’s a lump of coal under the tree for me this year then!
DO NOT leave it too late to get a new front and back door and back window in time for the 25th. We don’t have a chimney so Father Christmas ‘aint coming in that way, and he certainly won’t be able to get through the back door if we can’t. Don’t mention that observation to the kids, they start looking panicked.
DO NOT stop updating your address book as soon as the advent of Facebook – ‘I’ll just send E cards!’ In addition to this do not allow your account to be horribly hacked by internet gremlins, get your account suspended and have no way of wishing anyone a happy Christmas because you can’t find addresses, remember to buy stamps or locate envelopes in time.
Due to lack of aforementioned Facebook account, remember not to lob huge imaginary snowballs at friends who Facebook everyone about social events and forget to invite you whilst saying: ‘it’s nothing personal!’ and ‘I thought you knew!’
Absolutely DO NOT have a poorly cat that leaves unwanted advance Christmas ‘presents’ under the sofa. *Father Christmas, please would you be so kind as to bring me 50 bottles of Dettol and a set of Cat Nappies if there are such things?*
DO NOT find the ‘perfect’ Christmas maxi-dress for works do’s and then realise that you’ll be the ‘only maxi-dress in the village’ because no-else is wearing them anymore and they’re strappy and freeeeezing cold.
DO NOT tell the kids Father Christmas is magical and brings wonderful presents – the kids now think they’re getting a puppy, an entire Zhu-Zhu-pets city populated by the babbling blighters, a mobile phone connected to every single one of their mates with unlimited minutes, a life-size helicopter and a pirate ship with real pirates.
DO NOT keep putting off putting up the christmas decorations – and then when you finally get around to it, realise that there’s a blu-tac famine, no drawing pins and that sewing pins won’t stay in the walls, fall out and are potentially a teeny toe hazard.
DO NOT under any circumstances start wrapping presents and leave the sellotape unattended with a 3 year old who likes making massive ‘spiders webs’ with it.
DO NOT buy duplicate presents by accident, some people are too easy to buy for.
DO NOT lose your Visa (again! I think, if I’m not mistaken, I did this last year too)
DO NOT hoard un-allocated Christmas presents for the next year – they end up out of date and innappropriate – TV Series ‘Heroes’ Trivia book anyone?!
DO NOT allow kids to find the box of stocking fillers. (Kay curses and throws baubles around the living room)
DO NOT tell children that Father Christmas has a sledge and cause 3 year old to believe snow = Father Christmas. If it snows before the 25th December we’ll have to have Christmas early or risk complete meltdown.
DO NOT take the kids christmas shopping (year before last) to the Trafford Centre – cue tears, popped baloons and screaming fits when we have to leave cute polar bears in the shop because they’re too expensive to buy for grandma, who doesn’t really need or want a polar bear anyway.
DO NOT think ‘that’s a fabulous offer from Thorntons!’ buy a shed load of chocolates ages before Christmas. Eat the majority of them on stressed days and have to re-buy them; once rebought, wrap them immediately so they’re not eaten again. Guiltily unwrap and devour one parcel anyway. Re-buy chocolates yet again. Get fat.
DO NOT hide Christmas presents in safe places like a mummy squirrel – lose them ‘somewhere in the attic’ amongst old ZX Spectrums and boxes of Playstation magazines.
DO NOT buy Christmas chocolate pennies and leave them at the back of a cupboard where ‘there’s no way they’ll be found’ and expect them to be there the next time you go back. No siree!
DO NOT sit down to wrap presents on Christmas Eve, realise you’ve run out of Christmas paper and wrap loads of them in newspaper, pages of magazines and birthday wrapping paper – excuse the wrapping on Christmas day and say you’re trying to ‘recycle’ and ‘reuse’, but have no explanation whatsoever for the birthday wrapping paper. Look deranged as a result.
DO NOT decide to make home-made mince pies, that turn out really wonky – eat 12 of them in an day because they look too daft to hand out to visitors and the pastry is half raw. (2 years ago)
DO NOT spend ages writing blog posts when you should be preparing for Christmas.
Last but not least, DO NOT Panic……(take deep breaths…..calm….go to a nice sunny safe place in your head………Has that worked? Nope?)
OK, another last but not least. DO NOT decide it’s all too much and finish the Christmas sherry on a slightly tipsy Tuesday evening two weeks before Christmas. DO NOT do this, unless you’re going to invite me and my wonky mince pies over too. Then it’s ok.