How to Drink a Cup of Tea!
1) Boil kettle.
2) Child wanders into kitchen requesting biscuit – supply biscuit, forget what you’re doing.
3) Start washing up.
4) Remember you were actually making a nice cup of tea.
5) Boil kettle again.
6) Select ‘Keep Calm & Carry On’ mug out of cupboard, place tea-bag in cup.
7) Child falls off sofa whilst pretending it’s a trampoline – apply cuddles & cold compress whilst muttering about how ‘sofa’s are not safe for boinging on!’
8 Begin watching Tracey Beaker and become engrossed in pet sheep episode.
9) Remember you were making a cup of tea, become slightly irritated.
10)Boil kettle and resolve not to move until hot beverage is in hand.
11) Pour hot water onto tea-bag – supply biscuit to other child who is now dying of hunger.
12) Go to fridge, get milk. Cat winds around ankles demanding cat food – supply cat food and swear quietly under breath.
13) Phone rings, politely tell telesales executive to do something that rhymes with ‘duck off’. Become downright annoyed.
14) Tea is stewed, reboil kettle, clench teeth, ignore request for further biscuits. Pour hot water onto fresh tea-bag. Fish tea-bag out, throw it aggressively at huge compost pile in bowl at corner of kitchen that needs emptying.
15) Cradle wonderful warm cup of tea in hands, sigh and think everything’s ok after all.
16) World war 3 breaks out in other room because Iggle Piggle toy is being sat on by eldest child. Youngest child screams. Youngest child wets himself and the sofa. Eldest child stamps feet, sulks and dramatically slams door. Become very aggravated and consider sitting in cupboard under stairs with cup of tea for company.
17) Instead, do the ‘right thing,’ abandon cup of tea and avert World War 3 by switching TV on, clear up wee, clean up youngest soggy child, reassure oldest child, curse inwardly.
18) Microwave the n0w stone cold cup of tea. Stand in kitchen, staring at reflection in microwave door and cup going round and round and round and round, again resolving not to move until cup of tea has warmed up.
19) Decide to ‘make yourself useful’. Empty dishwasher. Ignore microwave beep because you think “I’ll just get this done!'” Forget you’re microwaving cup of tea, watch more Tracey Beaker, supply another two biscuits and drinks of Ribena. Remember cup of tea in microwave!!!
20) Wonder if twice microwaved tea might cause tummy ache, heat it up anyway.
21) Burn tongue on mega-hot cup of tea and find rest of packet of biscuits.
22) Hold kitchen door shut by the handle, eat all of the biscuits really quickly before you’re discovered, ignore banging and shouting coming from the other side of the door – think ‘I’ll worry if it all goes quiet, if they’re yelling, they’re fine’.
23) Shout and spray biscuit crumbs everywhere ‘I’ll be in, in a minute!’
24) Reach over to radio, turn up the volume to drown out the shouts of ‘What you doing Mum? Can I have another biscuit? Can I have another drink? Mum, he’s feeding the cat play doh!’
25) Breathe deeply, down the rest of the cup of tea, wipe crumbs from around mouth with sleeve. Feel half hysterical, but tell yourself at least you had 2 minutes to yourself and a cup of tea.
26) Begin the cycle again, starting at point 1 until the end of the day. Ensure you need the loo constantly – repeat ad infinitum for the rest of the summer holidays.