Food Glorious Food! (and involuntary diets)
That is sung with a sad howly tone. Ie, sung with an extended ‘OOooood!!!’ at the end, a falling pitch you might say. You see I love food, I’ve always had a very healthy appetite and will eat almost anything and everything apart from liver. Hate the stuff, tastes like metal (not that I’ve eaten iron bars in the past, but if I did, I should expect them to taste like liver).
You see, I’m dieting and it is making me miserable. This diet is completely involuntary and I’m pig sick of not being able to eat what I like. I’m not overweight, I’m an average 12/14 and am quite tall so I don’t think it looks so bad on me. At this point you may be wondering why I’m putting myself through this. Because I blummin’ well have to.
I was diagnosed with Colitis / Proctitis (apparently the names interchange according to my doctor) about a month ago after having had a sigmoidoscopy. The steroids I took for two weeks didn’t appear to make any difference, so now I’m just trying to control tummy cramps and other symptoms you’d rather not know about, by using a low-residue diet. That’s what the doctor has said to do, so that’s what I’m doing – and I hate it. I’m also now slightly anaemic which is nice.
In the past I’ve never particularly put on weight, have always exercised lots and have been healthy as a rule. That doesn’t include my hyperchondria, I’ve been afflicted with that for many years (the doc says there’s no cure). You see I’m used to being happy and healthy mostly, apart from the usual bugs the kids seem to regularly bring home. This is all new territory to me. I don’t like being ill, I’m rubbish at it. I moan, I complain, I stare at other people’s food, it’s not nice for me or my nearest and dearest. I’m also hogging the bathroom an awful lot, but on the upside, I’m getting through my stack of National Geographics quite nicely. Which is ironic really. I’m reading all about the world, whilst not being able to get out and about and see it, due to being stuck in the bathroom. It’s not fair!
There’s far worse things that could be wrong with me, and I’m not having an out and out pity party. This is just an irritated rant. For years I have tried to eat healthy food, I’ve bought wholemeal bread, brown rice, stuff with seeds in, crackers with bits in that taste like sawdust, eaten raisins as snacks and generally made an effort. All of a sudden these things are forbidden and I’m left with limp white bread ham sandwiches and lame-ass chicken soup. You see I have to eat as little fibre and fat as possible for a limited period. How long the ‘limited period’ is, is anyone’s guess. Until my poor irritated bowel calms down it seems, which it doesn’t appear to be doing.
In the meantime I have to leave the room for fear of drooling if Horace is eating a packet of crisps, and to stop myself aggressively slamming things around if someone’s sat there eating a chocolate digestive. There’s stuff I can eat, but there’s a lot of stuff I can’t eat too. All in all this is quite literally a pain in the arse.