The Plan – Cooking Salmon in the Dishwasher
This is how I’m approaching the #fishydishycookery issue – as it has become known amongst my tinternet mates and this is how it began – click here. Daft Ideas and Sleeplessness
Step 1 – I have casually discussed the possibility of cooking Salmon in a dishwasher with Horace, laughed about it and gauged his opinion. Horace seems to think it is something that could be done. I haven’t told him yet that I am actually going to attempt this though…… I’m just working myself up to that. You see if I tell him that I am going to do this, he may try to cart me off to the ‘Funny Farm’ and where would that leave my project? So I must choose my moment carefully – mid fishy dishwasher cycle probably.
Step 2 – I have found a recipe! See below. Doesn’t sound too complicated does it?
- salmon fillets
- aluminum foil
- a lemon
- a few butter pats
- electric dishwasher
Place the fish on two large sheets of aluminum foil. Squeeze on some lemon juice and place the pats of butter on the salmon fillets. Seal the fillets well in the foil, and place the foil packet in the top wire basket of your electric dishwasher. DO NOT ADD SOAP OR DETERGENT. Close the dishwasher door, set the dishwasher on the hottest wash cycle, complete with drying cycle, and let it run through a full cycle. When the cycle is complete the fish will be cooked just right.
Step 3 – I intend to run the dishwasher about 3 times without anything in it at all to rinse all soap stuff away, no soap, no nuffink. That way I shan’t have to dine on ‘Salmon-a-la-Detergent’. This is all going to have to be done on a day when Horace isn’t around as he will once again worry I have finally gone completely nuts if he sees me washing a load of invisible plates, 3 times, just in case they aren’t clean enough first time round.
Step 4 – Go to Canada, find a tame bear, get it to catch a huge salmon and return it to me intact. Preferably a baby bear, they are cuter and less likely to eat me as well as the fish.
Step 5 – Abandon Step 4 and go to Iceland (as in shop, not as in country) where I shall buy Salmon or other frozen poisson and return home triumphant. I would like to buy a Big Fish but I suspect they cost an arm and a leg so will probably have to make do with Frozen Fish Lumps – although I do draw the line at ‘Boil in the Bag’. They would have to be ‘Dishwasher in the Bag’, anyway, so they would not be at all suitable.
Step 6 – If I am lucky enough to find a cheap ‘Big Fish’ I will have to hide it deep in the depths of our ‘Needs-defrosting-very-bunged-up-with-ice’ freezer. Horace will question me about my sudden interest in cooking massive fish if he notices it, and I would have to admit to my plan if he spots it – so I shall be burying it amidst packs of frozen mince to avoid the Spanish Fishy Inquisition (not that the fish will be from Spain you understand…It would just lead to a Spanish Inquisition about Fish…..excuse me while I dig a hole for myself…Kay ambles off muttering about spanish fish and inquisitions…….)
Anyway! Step 7 – Once preparations have been made, lemons have been purchased and butter has been patted – I aim to tweet like a crazy woman and bombard my Facebook mates with updates about #fishydishycookery to get your attention. I’m rubbish at this advertising, comping business, so have to resort to stunts such as this to boost my subscription numbers instead. You see, if I’m going to make my kitchen / cutlery / plates stink of fish for weeks, this blog is damn well going to do well for me. This public act of ridiculousness is going to have to be worth the effort.
Step 8 – Put fish in dishwasher, hold my breath, cross my fingers, touch wood etc etc……..and switch it on.
Step 9 – Remove fish from dishwasher. Take photographs of exquisitely cooked fish, post them on the blog and make you all drool at the utter gorgeousness of Dishwashered Fishy, and then erm….maybe….possibly….probably….eat it.
I’m going to summarise everything in Step 10 – Organise divorce papers because Horace may be very annoyed at stinky kitchen and dishwasher and the deceit that has gone into dishwashing a fish. Book an ambulance in advance so I can organise a quick, efficient and convenient stomach pump. I may even go so far as to post pieces of Dishwashered Fishy to anyone who has helped me with this particular peculiar blog – you’ve egged me on to do this, you may as well share the end result.
So there we are. Does this qualify as the ‘Oddest Blog on the Block’ because I think it might. Now I’m going to sit back and wait for friends and family to contact me via email and telephone and gently query my sanity – which, for the record, is long gone.