Happy Christmas Homebase!
Anyone who knows me, or follows me on Twitter will know I am not best pleased with Homebase. The kitchen they installed was an unmitigated disaster, and there were even more problems with it than the ones I’ve listed on here! I reckoned if I went on too much you’d all drift off into to a kitchen haunted coma. Anyway! Last week they sent us a hand written Christmas card wishing us a ‘Happy Christmas!’ in our new kitchen – which I’m afraid, pushed me over the edge. Horace has asked me to write a letter of complaint and thinks I have spent the last hour writing a heartfelt plea for compensation – instead I wrote this. Do you dare me to send it?
Thanks very much for the Christmas card, it was very sweet of you to think of us.
We certainly do intend to have a lovely Christmas in our new kitchen. Personally I think that it’s great that we have a spare hob in a box by the front door, that way if the current problems get any worse on the big day we can simply call out one of your friendly gas engineers who will be happy to swap it over in the midst of the festive period. In the mean time I shall simply carry on as I have been doing for the last couple of months – ie. turning the knob, waiting for it to click and light, letting go and swearing when it goes out. I love a bit of tension in the kitchen. The mismatched knob for the hob that you sent us adds a bit of variation to an otherwise boring looking cooker too. Thanks for that. You did promise to send us the matching knob, but I’m presuming that’s due to arrive on Christmas day as an extra lovely surprise from yourselves.
I almost miss the grill pan shorting the electrics in the entire house too, it was kind of fun resetting all the digital clocks in the house and switching the computers back on every time I cooked sausages – but instead I can always keep myself busy boiling the kettle to pour into the dishwasher to stop it beeping hysterically and refusing to wash dishes. I’ve been told I have to do this because the water that flows into the dishwasher is too cold and affects the sensors – in reality, I reckon the misbehaving cooker has been a bad influence. I have tried to talk to the dishwasher and explain how important it is that it washes our stuff first time round, but it just beeps at me – I’m presuming it is censoring its foul language which is something to be thankful for at least. (In its defence, it does usually grudgingly give up and wash our dishes eventually). The plastic slidey tablet bit pinged off too, but the cooker engineer, who is obviously friendly with dishwashers too, has fixed that for the moment. Fingers crossed, Christmas dinner washing up should be taken care of – as long as the dishwasher doesn’t have another hissy fit.
At least I’ve done all my Christmas shopping! I’ve stuffed all the tins and packets into the cupboards you installed and everything is ok so far. I must admit I haven’t weighed all the items so I’m just hoping I haven’t gone over the recommended unknown weight limit for your shelves which was the problem with the first cupboard – which incidentally were the ones we chose. We now have cupboards we didn’t actually choose in the first place at all, but hey, I like having cupboards put in, taken out and replaced again. It’s fun empting and filling and emptying and filling and emptying and filling cupboards over and over again. It helped me do a bit of exercise which will be handy when it comes to fitting into my Xmas Little Black Dress at least.
The taps work perfectly….now too. One of the handles was wobbly and needed replacing. I think it was kitchen appliance peer pressure to be honest. Everything else seemed to need replacing or gluing and the poor taps felt left out. After all, the spice drawer was broken initially and a spare one had to be ordered, and I lost count of how many other bits of kitchen had to be re-ordered. Mind you, it gave your delivery drivers something to do! And in the current financial climate I think it’s admirable that you’re keeping people busy and in work. They’d do very well as Santa’s little helpers as they seem to work all the hours of the day – the last delivery driver rang me the night before and said the only time he could drop off he aforementioned hob was between 6.30 am and 7.45am in the morning. Very convenient and good practise for Christmas morning, so thanks for the rehearsal early morning start.
We have decided we actually like the badly applied tiles, it adds a sort of quirkiness to an otherwise straightforward, square tiled wall and your staff have spent so much time here already, we think it’s only fair that they spend time with their own families too at this important time of year.
The icing on the Christmas cake was the light on the overhead extractor fan, which blew a fuse twice – for reasons only known to itself. Once again, I suspect hanging about with a kitchen as badly behaved as ours rubbed off on it.
All the cupboard doors now close properly too, after being messed about with on countless ocassions – which is nice.
And if you were wondering, everything seems ok with the new worktops so far. The sprouts will not be rolling slowly towards the wall at the back because of the sloping angle it was originally installed at…..oh wait….that wasn’t the first time was it? The first time you installed a worktop that ‘blew’ (a very technical term for a very odd bubbling wood, raised surface kind of effect) which made for an interesting and unusual textured surface. All in all, the worktop was put on a grand total of three times – a brilliant illustration of the saying ‘Try, Try and Try again.’ Homebase is obviously dedicated to persistance, or should that be ‘Taking the P*ssedness’. Well, I suppose it is the season of goodwill and presumably good humour so I can only presume you were playing a pre-Christmas prank.
Now seriously. In your defence you have dealt with our ASBO kitchen, but not as swiftly as we would have liked and at our inconvenience. I don’t think anything in our kitchen has behaved quite as it was meant to, we are more than disappointed and are seeking compensation.
I sincerely hope we do have a happy christmas in our new kitchen, although I’m not holding my breath. For one thing, I’m sure that spare hob-in-a-box that was delivered last week is trying to trip me up every time I walk in the door. Honestly, it’s felt like the whole kitchen has been out to get us.
Happy Christmas Homebase! Looking forward to hearing from you,